


I Might Not Say It Back

by ohioinmymind



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-07
Updated: 2013-03-07
Packaged: 2017-11-29 17:25:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/689547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohioinmymind/pseuds/ohioinmymind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yeah, the first time Liam told Zayn he loved him, was the first time he broke his heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Might Not Say It Back

**Author's Note:**

> It helps if you listen to Please Don't Say You Love Me by Gabrielle Aplin while you're reading. Gives you more feels, I think.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own One Direction and if I did, this is definitely not what I would do with them. Also, I don't own the lyrics to Gabrielle Aplin by Please Don't Say You Love Me.
> 
> P.s. BLAME GRIMMY FOR PLAYING THIS SONG DURING THE BREAKFAST SHOW.
> 
> Have a nice read, and tell me how much you hate me near the end. I love comments, they make me want to write more.

_**Summer comes, winter fades;** _  
_**Here we are just the same**  _ 

When Liam first kissed Zayn, it wasn't an accident. 

He kissed him with intention; intention to love and hold and have. 

Zayn tasted desire on his lips; it was sweet, and tangy. Bittersweet.

The sun was shining, illuminating them, lighting them up; putting their actions on display, for them only.

The last time Liam kissed Zayn, his skin was cold to the touch, frozen. Tears were dropping, pooling on Zayn's face, the chill of the room having nothing to do with the dead curling of the leaves on the trees outside.

But it was the same; still filled with love and intention and desire to have Zayn once more, for the last time.

 _Finally._  

_**We don't need pressure, we don't need change  
Let's not give the game away**  _

Paula was an important person. She had no kids, stricken barren at a young age, torn apart. Her husband couldn't stand to look at her for a second longer, so he left her, like everyone else in her life. Gone in an instant, like things tend to go. 

But she was responsible for the most successful boy band this generation, and all the generations before it had seen. She was responsible for their image; the way they presented themselves on paper and in interviews.

So you can only imagine her displeasure when she'd stumbled into Liam Payne's room to find him making love, _that's all it could be described as,_ to his band mate; Zayn Malik.

They would ruin everything for her. They would hammer all she had left to the ground. They would destroy everything she worked hard to put her name on, all because they couldn't control themselves.

So it made her a horrible person, relaying what she had seen to _Modest!_ , telling them everything she knew. They had been furious and a contract had been drawn up, an agreement striping them away from each other, at least until the band's run was through. 

They pressured, _bullied,_ Zayn and Liam into signing their names on the dotted line. _Modest!_ had attempted to turn something Paula had witnessed as beautiful and earth-shattering into something unmarketable and cheap. 

It made her a horrible person, but the more than generous check in her banking account made her feel a little better.

But only a little.

_**There used to be an empty space  
A photograph without a face**_

Zayn didn't like personal defects in his apartment. He couldn't have the pictures that he wanted up, anyhow. So he failed to see the point. 

He couldn't very well frame the picture of himself and Liam at Coachella last year, happy and smiling and holding hands; content where no one knew or cared who they were, just that they were a couple in love, sharing their interests in great music.

They were listening to Frank Ocean, Novacane; Zayn remembers. Harry was being a twat and snapping pictures with Louis, goofing around. Zayn had his eyes closed, leaning in the vee of Liam's legs, taking in the music; the lyrics.

_Novacane, novacane, novacane, novacane, novacane_

_Numb the pain, numb the pain, numb the pain, numb the pain, numb the pain_

_Novacane, novacane, novacane, novacane, novacane_

_For the pain, for the pain, for the pain, for the pain, for the pain_

_  
_He remembered because Liam told him Danielle was set to fly in the next day. Zayn pouted and whined until Liam laid him on the bed, panting over him, fucking into him; reassuring him that he was the one Liam loved. He was the one. Danielle was the cover-up, the wretched consequence of them not being careful enough.

So Zayn couldn't hang the pictures he wanted up.

But on his entertainment console, stuck between a photo of him at his sister's graduation and one with Louis and Niall and Harry, taken when Liam was sick on tour, was a picture with the man that had stolen his heart over time. There was a picture of Liam with one arm over Zayn's shoulders, the both of them looking at the camera, smiling and laughing, soaking up the sunshine on both of their faces.

That would be enough for now. 

 **_But with your presence, and your grace_ **  
**_Everything falls into place_ **

Zayn was messed up, really and truly; he was.

Sometimes he felt dejected, apart from his feelings. 

But Liam filled him, made him whole again. 

He swept right in and knocked Zayn off his feet before reaching down and picking him up; repeating the process time and time again.

Zayn would shut himself in his hotel room; _theirs._ He would run off of the stage, unable to take Liam looking him in the eyes and singing to him in front of thousands of people, and not being allowed to touch him; hold him. Sometimes he just wanted to _hug,_ Liam.

But it would be breaking the rules.

Zayn wanted to say _fuck_ the rules, _fuck_ management, _fuck_ the disappointed or angry fans. If they really loved Zayn, they would support him. They would be happy that he'd found someone that made him happy.

But Zayn couldn't fuck the rules, so he had Liam fuck him. He would coerce one of the ladies, perhaps one of the men, to slip him a key to Zayn's room, because he was that adorable; that enticing.

And he would cover Zayn's body with his and erase all those feelings.

He would put Zayn back together again.

 **_Just please don't say you love me  
'Cause I might not say it back _ **

The day after Zayn had been kissed by Liam, he woke up with a sore back and a full smile. 

They'd lain in bed, unable or unwilling to get up, he's not sure. They took the cliche route and gazed into each other's eyes before Zayn burst into a fit of laughter, because this _so_ wasn't him. 

Liam gave him a half smile, training his eyes on Zayn, exploring him with nothing but his naked stare.

Then Zayn had joked that Liam shouldn't fall in love with him. Afterwards, he told him not to. He gave him specific instructions not to fall in love with Zayn. 

Zayn knew Liam loved him, but Liam loved every one; his heart was a mile wide.

So he climbed on top of Liam, giggling at his lack of balance so bright and early in the morning, and he told him:

_Just don't._

**_Doesn't mean my heart stops skipping when you look at me like that_  **

There are times when Zayn will catch Liam looking at him; in the mirror when they're brushing their teeth, maybe in an interview or onstage, sometimes in the quiet of one of their own homes. And he knows. 

He knows Liam broke a promise he never actually made.

He fell in love with Zayn and Zayn can see it, by just looking at him. 

He just hopes he never says it.

_**There's no need to worry when you see just where we're at**  _

Zayn tried his hardest not to hate Danielle. And he failed, miserably.

He hated her bouncy curls and her toned body and her infectious laugh. He hated her and he didn't feel a single ounce of remorse for it.

She was all part of a plan, a _rouse_ to fool the public; to lead their eyes in another direction.

Liam demanded to know why he was so hostile towards her, to know why Zayn could treat her with respect when she was doing them a favor. 

Zayn didn't have an answer, not one he could share with Liam. Not without sounding like a jealous and angry boyfriend, which is what he was. But he didn't want to voice his thoughts to Liam.

But of course Liam figured it out.

He took Zayn to the shower and wrapped his lips around Zayn's cock, sucking and slurping and making noises that were eventually going to drive Zayn to insanity.

Liam told him he had nothing to worry about.

_**Just please don't say you love me  
'Cause I might not say it back **  _

When Liam had first started breaking Zayn's heart, it was the first time he said he loved him. 

It was a rare weekend off. They flew out of America and went home; to Zayn's home. Because Zayn didn't have pictures of half naked dancers hanging around his place, that just didn't belong. So that's where they had chosen to go.

Liam was a big child in a strikingly handsome adult male's body, so he popped Toy Story 3 into Zayn's DVD player and cuddled with him on the couch. 

Zayn had dozed off several times, much to Liam's chagrin. And he was about to fall into another bout of sleep when he heard it quietly in his ear:

_I'm falling in love with you, Zayn Malik._

Zayn closed his eyes, screwing them shut and praying that Liam couldn't see his face in the darkness of the room. He pretended to be asleep.

Yeah, the first time Liam told Zayn he loved him, was the first time he broke his heart.

 **_Heavy words are hard to take  
Under pressure precious things can break_ **

When Louis had snuck into Zayn's room on a Sunday morning, Zayn had nearly kicked him out on his ass. 

Liam was still asleep and he was gathering his coat and slippers to go out on the veranda for a drag of his cigarette.

He hushed a fully clothed and alert Louis and drug him out with him, offering him a fag and smiling when he took it. Louis loved a good cigarette as much as Zayn, he just wasn't keen enough on cigarettes to smoke them where people could take pictures and report them back to his mum.

And then he told Zayn.

He let Zayn know that he'd overheard members of their management team discussing him and Liam and Danielle on his way out to get a cup of tea from somewhere other than _bloody Starbuck's_.

Danielle was set to move in with Liam. 

Danielle was going to be allowed to do press junkets and interviews and radio shows about how she was going to cohabitate with his boyfriend. 

Zayn let his cigarette fall to the ground and he rushed in to wake Liam; to demand answers.

Liam rolled over into Zayn's touch, his smile wide and sleepy, bright and beautiful until he was coherent enough to see the look on Zayn's face and Louis standing in the background.

"Did you know," he asked, because Liam must have known. He had to have been privy to the details, because he was _Liam_ and there wasn't a thing he didn't know about the going-ons of One Direction.

Zayn could read the guilt on Liam's face, and obviously so could Louis, because he uttered out a disappointed ' _Liam_ ', before shaking his head and exiting. 

Zayn stormed to his suitcase, grabbing the first thing he set his hands on and walking briskly to the bathroom. Liam had gotten out of bed at that point and tried to beat Zayn there, so he couldn't shut Liam out.

But Zayn made it there first and he felt a tad bit better when he saw the door slam shut on Liam's excuses.

 **_How we feel is hard to fake  
So let's not give the game away _ **

Zayn stayed mad at Liam for three days, and counting. 

It was the fourth day, and he was mentally and physically exhausted. It was Wednesday and he'd been rooming with Niall all week. But Niall was great. He woke up far too early for Zayn's taste and he was always bloody _laughing_ , but Zayn appreciated the cheeriness. 

Zayn was on his way back to Niall's room when a hand snuck out from a closet and pulled him in, closing the door behind him.

He didn't panic, he knew it was Liam. He couldn't see him, but he could feel him; smell him even. Zayn knew Liam's _smell_.

How pathetic.e

He'd begged Zayn to come back to him, to make him happy again; to stop making the both of them miserable.

And that's what they'd been, miserable. 

Zayn didn't know how to properly function without Liam by his side, and he'd kept Liam at more than arm's distance that week. 

It was killing him, making him ill.

He wanted to fall into bed with Liam at night and be wrapped in thos big, strong arms and go to sleep; knowing that when he woke up, it would be with someone he wanted to be with. Someone pressing kisses into his stomach and whispering how mush he needed Zayn. That was Liam.

So Zayn went back to him, even after the secret Liam had swept under the rug, cowering behind management to tell him something that should have came from his mouth first. He went back because he needed Liam as much as Liam claimed to need him. 

Also, Niall made a shit pot of coffee in the mornings.

**_Just please don't say you love me  
'Cause I might not say it back  _**

The thing about Danielle, was she was messy. Not her, as a person; her as a situation. 

Liam and Zayn had something so white and pure; and adding her to the mix made them dark and dirty; ugly.

Zayn had done something stupid, something he'll always regret. 

He kissed Liam, right on the lips. On camera; _live._

Liam was smiling at him, shining with what Zayn knew to be love. Liam loved him and how could Zayn not clasp his face in his hands and show him that it was appreciated; him loving Zayn. How could that be wrong?

Management had a panic attack, of course. At one point, Zayn thought Paula, one of the executives, would wrap her fingers around his throat and hold on until the life drained out of him. 

Maybe she should have; maybe it would have been better that way; dying. Because the next morning Zayn rolled over to see Liam distraught.

He had tears streaming down his face and he was holding on to Zayn like his last breath. 

He knew it had something to do with Danielle; she would be freshly orchestrated into their lives in a new and cruel way. _Modest!_ liked to call it creativity, but Zayn saw it for what it was.

They wanted Liam to get engaged. Not to the man he loved, but to a woman whose sole purpose was to cover his adoration and attraction to Zayn from people's eyes.

Danielle was Liam's new fiancé.

He kissed Zayn, several times over, in every spot he could think of. He promised that would be as far as he'd let it go. He swore he would never love her, _never,_ he said. _Never._ He assured Zayn that it was for the good of their careers. He kissed into Zayn's skin, soaking up his tears and sadness with his lips and words that Zayn couldn't bring his heart to fully believe.

"I love you," he muttered along the edge of Zayn's nipple, sucking and pleasing and trying to convey to Zayn something that he already knew; something he'd known for a long time, before Liam kissed him in that studio.

He rolled over and went to sleep afterwards, not noticing or particularly caring for the deep frown on Liam's face. 

Not today.

**_Doesn't mean my heart stops skipping when you look at me like that_**

****

Zayn had worried. He worried that the press junkets and photo shoots of the hot new couple would ruin him and Liam. He was worried Liam would start to doubt them; doubt that were worth it. If he's worth it.

But he still looked at Zayn the same. 

He still had those annoyingly adorable hearts in his eyes when he peeked over Danielle's head to mouth: _I love you._ He still caught Zayn's eye on stage, and sang to him, laughing it off for the fans, but meaning every word.

So that helped.

**_There's no need to worry when you see just where we're at_**

Zayn watches Danielle sometimes. He really _looks,_ to try and gauge her reaction to certain things; mostly her with Liam.

They'll go to a premiere, all of them together; Niall and Samantha, Liam and Danielle, and Louis and Eleanor. Harry and Zayn will watch them all on the television, not feeling up to being the seventh and eighth wheel to their own boyfriends. They would act petty and giggle over how dumb one of the girl's dresses looked, or how old their hairstyle was. They would take a moment and say all the things to each other that they couldn't let slip out in front of Louis and Liam.

It was nice, talking to Harry. Sometimes Zayn forgets that he's going through the exact same thing, and he's been doing it far longer than Zayn has. It's comforting to know there is a success story in all of this.

But all the laughter and beer in the world isn't enough to drown out how Danielle and Eleanor look at their men. Harry will point out how in love they look, and comment of their spectacular acting before they both realize it's not acting.

Not really.

Danielle looks at Liam with love. She looks fond of him; she adores him. Anyone could tell. Why she ever agreed to this, when she knew she would never get Liam in the end, Zayn wasn't sure.

He was sure of one thing: Danielle was in love with Liam.

He couldn't blame her, Liam was very easy to love. He was smart and responsible and caring and funny and he was gorgeous. What's not to love? Liam could easily be anything to anyone, but Zayn would prefer if he would just remain his, even partially, forever.

His only saving grace was that Liam never once looked at Danielle like he looked at Zayn.

**_Just please don't say you love me  
'Cause I might not say it back_**

It shouldn't surprise Zayn when Paula calls him in the middle of his afternoon with Liam. He shouldn't be as shocked and just _hurt_ as he is when fakely apologizes and says she'd meant to ring Liam and that she needs him to decide on the colors for his wedding at his earliest convenience. She chuckles and hangs up the phone and Zayn watches as Liam picks up his vibrating cell and says _hello._ Then he says _green._  

Green.

He also watches Liam's mouth form lies when he asks him who was on the other end and Liam tells him it was Paula, asking his favorite color for some silly magazine article.

He sees Liam's eyes flit to the side and his fingers come up to his collarbone, loosing his button-up and sipping his drink, smiling at Zayn like he didn't just lie directly to his face.

When did Liam start hiding things from him? 

He told Liam he knew he was full of shit, that Paula had called him before she called Liam and she let details of his marriage slip.

Zayn walked out of the restaurant and hailed a cab, ditching his security with Liam. 

Liam came into their room that night, smelling like sweat and beer and cigarette smoke. Zayn only knew that because he was wide awake when he stumbled in. And Liam's stench turned him sick, so he attempted to book it to Niall's room, maybe even Harry and Louis'. Anywhere but here. 

Liam begged him not to go, he got down on his hands and knees, pulling Zayn's hand; not letting go. He cried and cried and it _hurt_ Zayn, because he never wanted to make Liam feel like this. He never wanted to be responsible for Liam sounding so broken. 

But Zayn had to go. He had to leave because Liam had broken too many promises. He said he didn't tell him because he was scared it'd hurt him; he didn't want to hurt Zayn. 

But he already had.

And when he told Zayn he loved him, " _I'll always love you, baby,_ " he drunkenly slurred; well that hurt even worse.

**_And fools rush in  
And I've been the fool before_**

Zayn walked away for the last time when he turned the knob to Danielle's apartment and saw them fucking on the couch Zayn had given Liam for his birthday the year before. 

His whole world stopped turning, or at least it felt like it did. 

All he could call it was _fucking_ ; Liam fucked Danielle. His head was tucked into her shoulder from behind, and he pushed her face into the cushions, muffling her shouts and groans. He didn't kiss her, Zayn noticed. He didn't trail his lips up her spine, like he did with Zayn. He didn't stare into her eyes and enter her slowly, and faster later on. He rammed into her and tried his best not to look at her, and Zayn kind of loved him for that. If he was cheating on Zayn, at least it was physically. At least he didn't attach his love to her like he had to Zayn. 

Liam fucked Danielle.

Liam _made love_ to Zayn.

He tried to let that be enough when he walked out, slamming the door behind him. He tried to think of any other reasons why he should leave Liam behind. He couldn't find any others though; and when Liam followed after him, pants unbottoned with no boxers on, with his hair mused and messy, he knew it was time to leave.

Zayn had been a fool for Liam for far too long.

**_This time I'm gonna slow down_**

But he didn't stop. He didn't walk away completely. He didn't think he ever could. Liam would always have this hold over him. He would always be something to Zayn; fill something in him that no one else ever could. 

He tried. He tried _hard._ He ran crying to Harry, letting him stroke his hair and bring him tea. He let Louis hold him in his arms every night, every one he was away from Liam. He even let Niall make him horrible tasting cups of coffee, because he was _Niall_ , and he was trying to help' Zayn couldn't fault him for that. 

No one spoke to Liam, except maybe Louis. Zayn tried not to feel betrayed. Zayn lay curled up in bed when Liam arrived at Harry's and begged him to let him see Zayn. He heard the crash and saw Niall run from the room and return with a dark circle under his eye. 

He listened to the things they were saying, shouting. 

"I need to see him, Harry," Liam argued. "I need to know he's okay."

He heard Harry yell and scream at him. "He's not fucking okay! You cheated on him with _the help!_ " Zayn smiled a bit at that. "That's all she was supposed to be doing, Liam." He paused and Niall went to see what was going on. "She was supposed to help your relationship, not tear it apart!"

"It was an _accident,_ " Liam explained. "Let me see him, Harry. I _need_ to see him."

"You're not coming in this house, Liam." Harry's voice was calm and reserved; steely.

Liam protested but Harry continued over him. "He's not a play thing, mate. You can't run back to him when you finished with Dani. Stop treating him like your _whore._ "

There was a crash, and Louis was hollering at the both of them to stop. He assumed Niall had gotten in the middle of it, from the bruise on his face. 

He thanked them over dinner, to which they all happily replied that they had Zayn's back. Louis sat at the head of the table and chewed his food, choosing not to comment.

Zayn appreciated that. Liam wasn't a bad guy, he never would be. And he was grateful that someone besides himself could see that in their rag-tag group of friends.

Zayn met someone. They didn't light up his life like Liam had, but they would do for the moment.

Her name was Perrie and she didn't last long.

Zayn kept finding fault in her. Her biggest flaw was that she wasn't Liam.

Her hands were too small; her moans too high pitched and quiet. She let Zayn take her over, fuck her like he'd seen Liam fuck Danielle. She wanted to be Liam's replacement;  _he wanted_ her to be Liam's replacement.

But he went back. 

He went back and demanded that Liam make love to him one last time, so he could re-memorize how he felt and sounded and _smelled._ So he could have one last time in his head to tide him over for the remainder of his life.

They took it slow. They had to, because Liam was no longer Zayn's to share; he was Danielle's. 

Liam had told him she meant nothing, that it was just for work. And Zayn honestly believed him. He believed that Liam thought it was for work; that them sleeping together was a one time thing and it would never happen again. Because Zayn wouldn't leave Liam lonely. 

Because Zayn wouldn't leave him at all. That's what Liam thought.

And he was right.

**_'Cause I think this could be more  
Than what I'm looking for_**

He didn't move a muscle or flinch an eyebrow when Liam came into his room in tears. Liam recently only cried when he had something to tell Zayn; something that he knew he didn't want to hear.

He didn't pat Liam's face and tell him that everything would be okay. Because nothing was okay.

Liam was going to go through with the wedding.

He was going to marry Danielle, _only for a couple months,_ he exclaimed. For just a little while; the duration of their final tour. Then they were set to break up with some elaborate plan that Zayn had no doubt management had thought up themselves. 

Zayn didn't pay attention to the specifics. He let Liam lay him down and kiss him, hug him. He let Liam love him, because at the moment he couldn't love himself. He'd let the best thing that would ever happen to him in his life be snatched away by a blonde girl with dark skin and a toned body, with a viciously malicious heart.

It was all too much for Zayn, nothing like what he'd hoped and dreamed up for their future.

So he let Liam take the pain away. 

After all, he's the one who caused it in the first place.

**_Just please don't say you love me  
'Cause I might not say it back_**

The night before their wedding, Liam called Zayn up. 

Zayn refused to be his best man, his ring bearer, even his fucking _flower girl_. He put his foot down, or Harry did, because he was the one who told Danielle no. Zayn could barely be in the same room with her, let alone hold a conversation with her. In actuality, Zayn was certain he could talk to her, but it damn sure wouldn't be civil.

The media would eat it up after it had all been said and done; Zayn taking no part in his best friend's wedding. His best friend. Zayn couldn't find it in himself to care. Danielle thought she had Liam by the balls. Oh, Zayn has heard about their hushed conversations, Danielle threatening Liam with photo evidence if he doesn't submit to her every beck and call. Louis let it slip to Harry one night when they were in bed, Zayn sandwiched between them. Zayn pretended to be asleep while Harry fiddled with his quiff Lou had styled for the show that night.

Danielle thought she had Liam, but Liam was calling him right now; so how much did that really say?

"Let me come back home, Zayn." Zayn could barely understand him, his voice was so altered by sobbing and drinking and party noise in the background. "Baby, all I want is you. Zayn, please. I love you, Zayn. _I-_ I love you."

Zayn met his words with a dial tone. 

Liam was making his choice, and he didn't choose Zayn.

But Zayn still let him in that night, and he still let Liam crowd him over to his matress and let all his frustrations out. He let Liam lick him open, slow and sloppy and wonderful. And he let Liam enter him as he cried silently into the arm he'd thrown over his face. He let Liam thrust up and out and swivel his hips while kissing Zayn's tears away, groaning frusteratingly when more appeared in their wake.

He let Liam leave in the morning, watched him try to sneak away to his wedding and leave Zayn behind like he meant nothing anymore; when he used to be the only thing that mattered to Liam.

He let Liam whisper out an _I love you_ when he saw he was awake.

He let himself have the satisfaction of not saying it back, because he _never_ said it back, and this was why.

 **_Doesn't mean my heart stops skipping when you look at me like that_** ****

Zayn showed up to the ceremony, stone cold sober. Everyone else was hung over, sans Harry, because he too had decided to duck out on Liam's bachelor party activities. He had a seat reserved for the front row, because Danielle knew how much he would _love_ that. But he opted to stand at the back of the church with Harry, a water bottle in hand, his heart on the floor, split open.

He arrived late enough to not have to wait for Danielle to finish getting ready and come out. 

_Come out, hmph._

Zayn laughed and fixed his eyes on Liam. He was standing there, looking at Danielle like he had a bad taste in his mouth. Harry coughed and Liam's eyes flicked over to the both of them and then came back once more before settling on him. 

And Liam smiled. He smiled the first real smile he had in a long time. He looked at Zayn like he used to, with love and hope and no hesitations. 

At first, Zayn thought he was looking at Danielle; gorgeous and glowing in her white gown that she shouldn't be allowed to wear, because she was anything but pure.

But no. Liam was looking straight ahead at _him_ and when he turned to face Danielle, Zayn was still in his vision, him standing just off to the side of the church hall. Liam recited his vows, vows Zayn _knew_ were for him. He talked about first meeting Zayn, how it was a twist of fate they were brought together. He prattled on about how he knew Zayn was the one the moment he kissed him and he was lost after that. He looked solemnly at Zayn over Danielle's shoulder as he spoke. He said they'd been through ups and downs but it was all about to pay off, they were almost home _free._  

Of course all those words where directed at Danielle, the pronouns changed to her and me and Danielle, because Liam didn't know how to speak proper grammar to save him life. 

Liam said the vows to Danielle, but they were directed at Zayn in every way. 

He knew they would be alright.

_**There's no need to worry when you see just where we're at**_

Zayn kept his distance from Liam, knowing the second he was in arm's reach, all hope would be lost, or found, depending on how you look at it; and he just knew he'd be unable to not show his love for Liam.

His love. Because he _loved_ Liam and he couldn't wait to finally tell him. 

He tried to mouth it across the room, but bless Liam's heart, he just quirked his head to the side in confusion and Zayn shook his head and grinned at him fondly.

Danielle was an angry bride. About the fourth, maybe fifth time she'd caught Liam and Zayn making eyes at each other, like lover's do, she drew Liam in for a wet and sloppy kiss that was supposed to show Zayn who he belonged to. The guests hooted and hollered, catcalling and cheering them on. 

But when she was done, she released Liam and smirked at Zayn, and Zayn smiled right back and watched Liam wipe off the kiss with the back of his hand. 

Zayn blew a kiss in their direction, with a smirk of his own on his face. Whether it was to Danielle, to spite her or to Liam, to replace the kiss he just had; he didn't know. 

Liam brushed by Zayn, whispering an _I love you_ in his hear before Zayn could respond, shoving a napkin in his hand and continuing to walk on by.

_Welcome back, I missed you._

_p.s. I love you_

_p.p.s. see you at home in twenty?_

_xx_

Zayn smiled and stuffed the note in his pocket, walking out and grabbing a flute of champagne as he did. It was time for a celebration, because _this_ was something he could be excited about.

Liam loved him and Zayn loved Liam.

Danielle thought she was proving something by kissing Liam, touching him and having him for a moment in time. But she just looked desperate and clingy and too attached to something that would never be hers.

He wanted to run back in there, get out of his car and _finally_ to Liam how in love he was with him, how much he meant to him, because he had never said it. He showed it, over and over again in returning to Liam and keeping him tucked close while Liam had to deal with everything Zayn couldn't. 

He just started his car and drove away from there. He could tell Liam when he arrived home; _their_ home. Their home with pictures of them and their friends and families and loved ones that didn't fit into any other category.

He would tell Liam he loved him later. Because they had all the time in the world; _forever._

Danielle had tried to take something from Zayn, to prove that she could; to make a point.

All she had proven was that Liam had been Zayn's all along.

 _**Just please don't say you love me** _ **_  
_'Cause I might not say it back__**

Zayn doesn't remember seeing the car. He feels it first. He feels the sharp impact and the bones in his body snapping tight, and crunching under the weight before his vision gets blurry around the edges and he eventually succumbs to the pain. 

That's all Zayn remembers. 

There is one other thing.

He waited for Liam on the curb, grinning when he snuck out of his own wedding and into his own car, following after Zayn, the two of them playing coy with one another; smirking and smiling and giggling through rearview mirrors and rolled down windows. 

His heart was swollen and for the first time in almost a year, he doesn't feel empty. He feels full; full of love and passion and want and desire and maybe a bit of need because he needs Liam like he needs air to breathe. He had been suffocating without him. 

He was looking through his mirror, speeding around Liam and peering back in the mirror at the front and center of his car. Then he saw it. He saw Liam's face contort in horror and his mouth open it self wide enough to shout. Zayn furrowed his brow and cruised right through a red light and right into a collision.

Liam would tell you that his car was hit by a truck, one too big to have any business on a street in London. He would tell you that he got out of his car and attempted to drag Zayn out, bloody and unconscious, but he couldn't do it, so he had to wait. He had to wait until the ambulance arrived, but he held Zayn's hand the whole time. He held it and never let go and he wouldn't _ever_ let go, because that's what Zayn had done for him and he was just returning the favor. 

Liam would also tell you that they got Zayn stable and stationary at a hospital, tore the car pieces carefully from his body and waited on him to respond. Liam would tell you, if you asked, that he had whispered _I love you_ into Zayn's skin over and over again. He screamed it at one point, not that Zayn could hear him, but he did it anyway. 

Louis could tell you that Liam tore the entire waiting room up, wall to wall; and that Liam was being sued for brutally beating a paparazzi into the ground when he harassed Liam about his love affair with Zayn. Like _Zayn_ had been Liam's second choice this whole time. 

Harry could tell you how much he cried himself, over one of his very best friend's broken body. He could tell you how sorry he was that he made Zayn drive home by himself; and he could tell you how Louis had wrapped him in a hug and told him it _wasn't_ his fault. _It wasn't anyone's fault._

Except maybe Zayn's. 

Niall wouldn't be able to tell you much, because he wasn't speaking. He sat with Zayn and told him how much he enjoyed rooming with him and that he appreciated Zayn for drinking his bad coffee. He told Zayn that he'd done a stupid thing by not looking where he was going. He cried on Zayn, holding his arm and fitting himself against him as much as possible in the too tiny hospital bed. 

Louis didn't say much of anything to Zayn. He stayed quiet and sat with him, drinking his tea and jokingly telling Zayn he needed one of his cigarettes that moment. He told Zayn that he knew his secret. He _knew_ Zayn loved Liam; everyone knew Zayn loved Liam, even if he didn't say it. He went on about how actions were better than words anyway and that Zayn had been so strong and so _good_ and maybe he deserved better than Liam, but Liam could never deserve someone as great and loving and loyal as Zayn. Never in his life. He told Zayn things he wasn't sure Zayn knew. Like that Liam made mistakes and he wasn't perfect but he loved Zayn more than anything he ever loved in his life. 

Louis didn't say much, but he said enough. 

Zayn went into cardiac arrest on the third day. 

His heart was working too hard, and wasn't that the story of his life?

Liam rushed to his side and Louis went to get a doctor. Niall and Lou had to pull Liam and Harry out of the room so the staff could do their jobs; try to save Zayn.

The last time Liam kissed Zayn, his skin was cold to the touch, frozen. Tears were dropping, pooling on Zayn's face, the chill of the room having nothing to do with the dead curling of the leaves on the trees outside. 

"I love you," he cried. "I love you so much, Zayn. I hope you knew that."

He sobbed into Zayn's cold, dead chest. 

" _I love you._ "

But Zayn never said it back.

 _**Just please don't say you love me** _ **_  
_'Cause I might not say it back.__**

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave me a comment, even if it made you cry and you got sad or angry, I want to know your reaction. 
> 
> xx


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